Confessions of a World Traveler

Ollo People!!! I’m back! Did you miss me???

…please say yes.

Confessions of a world traveler… oh, where to begin?

Let me explain. I LOVE traveling. Traveling as in:

places

But some people seem to think that people who love traveling also love flying.

why

Them: “I LOOOOOve airplanes!”

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Them: “Flying’s half the fun!”

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Them: “And you even get those nifty little TV thingies.”

Dude...no.

Ok… Those TV things are pretty cool.

First let me try and explain my love/hate relationships with Airplanes/Airports/Airlines.

I love airplanes. I love that unlike missionaries of old, I don’t have to pack all my belongings in my future coffin and sail across the ocean for 3 months in order to live the Thai life – never to return. I love that.

How can I say this? I love airplanes like a woman loves her time-that-shall-not-be-named.

She could think: “Yay! This means I can have babies someday!”

But in reality she’s just like:

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One of the main things you have to worry about when you get on a flight (Especially a 14 hour flight) is who you will be seated next to. And wether you will have a window, middle, or isle seat.

Now, Usually if you are booking an overseas flight you have the ability to select your seat. Which I had done. I had booked an isle seat. I always book an Isle seat. What? Isle seat? That’s boring! Don’t you want to look out the window?! LOLOL…Not as much as I want to be able to get up and pee at 2:00 am or 2:00 pm or 0800 hours (I never know what time it is on an airplane) or whenever we are halfway across the pacific ocean.

But even when you have your nice little plan about your nice little isle seat, there are times when two sweet little korean airline staff beg you to get on an earlier flight because they accidentally overbooked your flight, and no one else will go.

And even though you like to make snarky remarks and observations on your blog, you are actually a genuinely flexible person who likes to be the nice one. So you go.

The two airline staff are so grateful and hurry you off to check you into your new flight. When they have you back down to the counter they say,

“Oh, you have to give up your assigned seat and your special fruit meal. Is that ok?”

Your mouth: “No problem!!!”

Your Face: ” 🙂 🙂 :)”

Your brain: “Wait…….

wut?”

When you get on the plane you have to walk through the seats of the higher castes before you reach your destination.

First these:

e7

Not even kidding.

Then These:

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…with just a touch of heavenly glow and a sprinkle of sweet foot rests.

Until you finally reach your seat with the masses of other peasants:

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Ey look! It’s Hello Kitty.

You look at your ticket stub and realize that you are sitting in an exit row. You can help save all your fellow peasants in the case of a catastrophe… No biggie. There’s a little extra leg room too… of course you aren’t allowed to put any of your bags at your feet so all of your snacks, entertainment, and other flight essentials go up into the overhead compartment. Bummer… whatevs.

You glance at your ticket again.

Then up at the ABC seat assignments.

Then at the ticket.

Then back to the ABC.

and then you realize it. A clear and definite B is on your ticket stub. You are in the middle.

Remember what I said about not wanting to sit in the window seat? umm… The middle is 10 bazillion times worse. I will explain why.

Your row mates have already taken their window and isle seats, respectively. You smile and nod awkwardly as you sit smack dab in between them.

It’s always the most awkward when you first sit down on an airplane. You are sitting so close to one (or in my case two) complete strangers that you can hear them breathe, and you have to decide wether you will make it more awkward by speaking to them, or more awkward by not speaking to them.

These two people choose the latter method, and even decide to take it a step further by pretending that you don’t even exist.

On your left in the window seat is the “Big Boss Man.” He will not acknowledge your existence at any time. His eyes are either always closed or staring straight into a newspaper or computer screen. His whole demeanor seems to say, “I do not belong here with you, Peasant. I am above you. All of you.”

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Physical characteristics include baldness, A button down shirt, and tube socks.

To your right is the “Persian Queen” Ok, maybe she’s not persian, but she’s got that exotic, wealthy look. She also will avoid any non-essential interaction with you. Everything she does is perfectly organized, and she brings an array of comfort ensuring items with her. As you know, in the the isle seat there is not a place to lean your head against unless you have a traveling buddy. Not a problem for the queen. She has an elaborate system of carefully placed neck pillows and blankets to ensure her head does not move once throughout the entire 14 hour flight. Turbulence or not. You are 99% sure that the airline lost her 1st class ticket… but like a queen she handles it with dignity and no small amount of annoyance.

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Common Characteristics: Wears a shawl and plays Sodoku… hours and hours of Sodoku.

And there you are. Sitting in the middle. With your t-shirt, ripped blue jeans, (genuine rips guys, we’re not going for stye here) frizzy hair, hoodie, and age-old iphone.

Normally, I enjoy putting a little effort into how I look. I really do. It’s just that… at that time I didn’t have very many cute articles of clothing, and the ones I did have were being saved for America. Plus, no matter what you wear on a 14 hour flight, you are going to feel disgusting afterwards. Fine! I’ll quit with the excuses! What I’m trying to confess is that when I travel, I look like a hobo.

(Side Story)When I go through security there are always women walking through in heels and little black dresses.

Security Officer to them: “Thank you, Ma’am.”

Security Officer to  me: “thanks.”

My Brain: “Hey… I’m a person too.”

My hoodie: “Lol, no.”

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Anyways, back to the middle seat. You are just a little redheaded hobo sitting in between the two nobility.

After a few hours of using the little TV screens and trying to be invisible, it is time to go to sleep. “Boss Man” leans his head against the window, and “Persian Queen” sets up her array of neck pillows and they are both fast asleep.

You, my dear little hobo, are used to traveling with your family who’s shoulders or heads usually provide a place for you to lean against. But not today.

You awkwardly try to use your tiny airplane pillow to prop your head up to no avail… Who are we kidding? You know that you will have to turn your head completely in order to be able to sleep. But… that means you will have to be staring one of the THEM right in the face as you try to sleep.

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Face right. Persian Queen.

Wake up 15 minutes later.

“10,000 years will give ya such a crick in the neck!”

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aladdin genie

 Face left.

 Boss man.

Now repeat that process 15 billion more times.

Pro Tip: Avoid the middle seat at all cost.

…Or invest in a good neck pillow.

P.S. I actually planned to include more stories and pro tips about my traveling escapades in this post, but I didn’t want it to be a mile long. If you wanna hear more of them let me know. I mean, in this story we haven’t even landed in LAX. Oh, and don’t even get me started on JFK.

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